


Waking Up

by elyndys



Category: Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-05
Updated: 2013-05-05
Packaged: 2017-12-10 12:35:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/786110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elyndys/pseuds/elyndys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for Jent Big Bang 2011. From an alternate future, looking back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Waking Up

At 6:26am, on the 23rd of August, Yasuda Shota wakes up from a dream. 

He opens his eyes in the half-light of his bedroom and stares at the ceiling. He concentrates very hard on the feeling of the mattress under him, the sheet draped across him, the softness of the pillow under his head as he turns it. He fixes his eyes on the blueish square of the window, and clenches his fists under the covers, feeling his nails digging into his palms, trying to calm his racing heart. This is real, and this is where he is now, and he clings to that until the dream is just that again.

It was vivid. The thing he remembers most is the anger. Everyone was angry around him, not _at_ him, but it swirled in the air in jagged spikes and he wanted to run away, but he couldn’t. 

In his dream, he was back then. Everyone _was_ angry then. Yasu was angry too. No-one showed it. But Yasu felt it, enough that years later, he remembers it in a dream. By the time he woke up he was nearly screaming, not able to keep it contained inside himself any longer, letting it all spill out like a burst dam. 

When he wakes up, he feels like he’s been crying. He lies awake as the morning light through his curtains gets brighter, making everything feel more real. As his mind unclouds, he starts to feel an unexpected catharsis, as if he really has sobbed and yelled out everything he had stored up, that he didn’t even realise was there. 

Yasu knows when he dreams about people sometimes, it’s his unconscious mind telling him to call them, send them a mail, see how they’re doing. And now, for the first time since the last time he saw them, he feels like that’s something he’s able to do.

***

It’s the 20th of September by the time Yasu walks through the door of Subaru’s shop. On the 17th he’d done a test run, to check he had the right place. He’d peered through the window, at the tempting racks of CDs and glossy vinyl sleeves on the walls; but he couldn’t make himself go in, not without more preparation. He needed to visualise, work through it in his mind, try to figure out a plan to calm himself.

It comes to pieces in his head though, as soon as he walks in, and Subaru turns to face him. Yasu’s heart skips in his chest, but he tries to smile at least. “Hello, Shibuyan,” he says. His throat feels so tight his voice is hoarse and dry.

Subaru stares at him. Yasu can see genuine shock on his face, his eyes wide and fixed on Yasu’s face. “What are you doing here?” he asks, his voice like Yasu’s, almost a whisper.

Yasu knows that, somewhere in his head, he prepared an answer, but it won’t come out, his mind is blank. “I wondered how you were doing,” he blurts out, the feeling creeping over him that perhaps this was a worse idea than he thought. 

Subaru doesn’t say anything. Yasu is suddenly aware of the music playing around them, a song he knows, and it really doesn’t feel that long, but it’s a whole verse and half of the chorus before Subaru speaks.

“I’m doing alright,” he says quietly. “How about you?”

“I’m fine,” says Yasu automatically, then halts himself, uncertain of which way to turn. 

There’s another half-chorus of the song, and Subaru opens his mouth like he’s going to say something, but the door of the shop opens and they both jump a little. The customer nods at Subaru, and Subaru nods back. 

Yasu hurries up to the counter. “Do you want to, maybe, get together for a drink sometime?” he asks, in a rush before his words can muddle themselves up and confuse him. “It’d be great to have a chat,” he adds honestly.

Subaru hesitates again, and Yasu feels the tension racking up inside him, is about to say _It’s OK, I understand if you don’t want to, I’ll go and you’ll never see me again_ \- but then the corners of Subaru’s mouth lift in the faintest of smiles. 

“OK,” he agrees simply, and Yasu, surprised at himself, almost laughs with relief. 

“Let me give you my number!” he says, forgetting for a second to keep himself in check. He almost leaves without getting Subaru’s; he has to call Yasu back, and for a moment Yasu hears his voice loud and familiar, just like he used to all the time. 

“I’ll call you,” Yasu says as he heads back towards the door. He isn’t sure, but he thinks he hears Subaru respond “I’ll answer.”

He feels stupid, like he ran away, but he knows the things they have to talk about, they couldn’t do it there. When Yasu tries to figure it out in his mind, all he sees is a tangled mess. He can’t predict what will happen.

Yasu waits a couple of days before he calls Subaru. He doesn’t know whether Subaru really will answer, especially not today; he could pretend it’s a coincidence, pretend he doesn’t remember, but when Subaru does answer, Yasu, heart thudding, manages to say “Happy birthday.”

He can hear Subaru’s surprise as he hesitates just for half a second before he says “Thanks.” Just that.

Yasu knows it must be hard, harder for Subaru than it is for him. He’s tried to think what Subaru must be feeling, what he should say to reassure him. Yasu’s not angry anymore, and when he looks back at his life he doesn’t want to see the shadow of that dark cloud covering some of the happiest times of his life. He hates the needlepricks of bitterness he feels when he thinks about it, and he knows if he feels them, then Subaru must too, a thousand times over. 

“Listen,” he starts. “I know you must be wondering why I came looking for you, after all this time...” He hesitates, not sure he can even answer that question himself. He wonders whether to mention his dream; Subaru would probably think he’s crazy, but Yasu thinks that might not be a bad thing. It might feel kind of nostalgic. “I just... didn’t want to be carrying all that stuff round with me anymore. I want peace in my mind. I want peace with you.”

There’s a long pause, and even though he’s on the phone, Yasu can feel his cheeks starting to get warm. 

Eventually Subaru says quietly, “I’d like that too.”

Yasu’s heart races for a reason he doesn’t fully understand. “So... shall we meet up, go for a drink then?” he ventures.

“Sure,” Subaru agrees.

“Great!” enthuses Yasu earnestly. “When’s good for you? How about Thursday?” He feels like he’s arranging a first date, trying to pitch the right level of keenness without seeming desperate. 

“Thursday’s good with me,” Subaru says, and Yasu feels a rush of relief to think that Subaru feels the same way he does, that maybe he remembers the highs, the good times, the times that were better than almost anything Yasu has ever known. Maybe Subaru realises, maybe Subaru understands. Maybe Subaru thinks it’s time, too, and maybe he was just waiting for Yasu to call him to make that step.

***

Everyone is angry. It swirls in the air in jagged spikes, and Yasu wants to run away, but he can’t.

Yasu is angry too, but not like the others. It feels like it’s a long way away, dull and vague. Not sharp and hot and drastic like he can see in the others all around him. He can feel the bitterness in them all, the betrayal, that’s what it is. Because Kanjani8 were supposed to be the group who get on so well, who are such good friends, as close as brothers. 

That’s why it hurts, a bone-deep ache inside all of them. When Yasu looks around at their faces he feels like he can read their thoughts, each one the same – we've been through so much, he thinks with them, we've struggled and worked so hard, and as soon as it starts to pay off, as soon as they feel like they've finally got somewhere... The rug is pulled from under them, and it's all gone. No way back.

He's scared to look at some of the others for too long. If he meets their eyes maybe it'll be too much, maybe it'll hit him. For now, he just feels numb. There's too much for him to process and he doesn't know where to start. He's drifting in a cold sea, water-blind and alone, his mind as blank as the sky.

“We'll have a meeting on Tuesday,” says their top manager softly. “Shibutani-kun will be there then, if you want to speak to him.”

Yasu wants to, even though when he thinks about it it feels as though his chest will tear in two. Maybe by next week, when they meet, everyone will be calmer, have had some time to think. They're resourceful, you have to be in Johnnys, and if they want to save themselves they'll have to think quickly.

They all know this is it, though. It's over. This is the end. No more Kanjani8. It's up to each of them now.

***

On Thursday, before he meets Subaru for the first time in 6 years, Yasu thinks he feels more nervous than he has in that whole time and longer. He tries time and again to think what he's going to say, but everything seems too serious or too stupid. He needs to be the one, though, he needs to hold out his hand and say that everything's OK, that he's ready to start again.

They meet somewhere from the old days. Yasu thinks maybe at least that'll get them reminiscing. He misses that about Johnnys. Whenever they used to get together with anyone, they'd always talk about the past, the junior days, _do you remember when?_ But Yasu hasn't seen many people he can talk like that with for a long time.

He gets there ridiculously early because he doesn't want to have to find Subaru, he wants Subaru to come to him. He gets himself a beer and regrets having so much time to kill, because it just makes his mind race and his palms sweat and time go slower and slower.

When he sees Subaru walk through the door, his stomach flips and his heart rate won't calm down, no matter how he tries to reassure himself. It's Subaru, he says to himself, he's more scared of you than you are of him! As if Subaru is a timid animal who needs coaxing. It makes Yasu smile at least, but it's true though, Subaru has more at stake than Yasu. He must be more afraid. Yasu needs to be kind, honest, open. The way he used to always try to be.

When Subaru comes up to the table where he's sitting he stands up and puts out his hand. He feels stupid, but he wants to make a gesture, and this seems like the right level.

Subaru looks at his face, then down at Yasu's right hand between them. He clasps it in his own and shakes it solemnly, and Yasu can't help the smile of relief that spreads across his face.

“It's good to see you,” he says honestly. “Let me get you a drink.” Subaru hasn't said a word before Yasu scuttles off to the bar. Yasu thinks if he talks, maybe Subaru will talk, and even if he doesn't, at least there won't be silence.

“Thanks,” Subaru says quietly when Yasu offers him a beer. “It's good to see you too.”

Yasu studies his face, thinks about the gulf in time between them; wonders how much 6 years can change a person. He guesses he's found something to talk about. “So how are you? What have you been doing? It's been a long time.”

Subaru is quiet for a moment. “You must be wondering how I ended up with the shop,” he says eventually. There’s a hint of a wry smile on his face. 

Yasu gives a nervous laugh. “I... guess so,” he murmurs. “Are you still in the band too?”

Subaru shakes his head, takes a drink of his beer. “No.” He just lets the word sit there between them; he’s not going to offer the rest of the story, Yasu has to ask for it. 

“What happened?” Yasu asks, feeling uncomfortable. If Subaru doesn’t have his band anymore then... Yasu tries not to follow the thought to its logical conclusion. Not till he’s heard the rest of the story.

Subaru looks as awkward as Yasu. “Creative differences,” he says, straight-faced, and Yasu has to laugh, just a little. “It’s true!” Subaru protests. “We... just wanted different things. So we broke up. And without a writing partner, I didn’t really feel I had any songs I wanted to write. So I just set up the shop.”

Yasu doesn’t know how to react. He doesn’t know whether to commiserate with Subaru that his dream didn’t work out, or... “Sorry,” he says, because he feels like not saying it would be a glaring omission. “But the shop seems really cool,” he adds, trying to be tentatively positive. 

“It is,” says Subaru. He smiles, and Yasu feels fresh relief. “It’s good to have a regular job for once. Just work during the day, normal hours. Then I can forget it, go home, do what I like.”

Yasu nods. He still doesn’t know if he can dare ask about what Subaru does when he gets home. Is there someone there waiting for him? Yasu can’t contain all these thoughts in his head, he has to work up to that one, when he can. “How long have you had the shop?” he asks instead. 

“About 3 years,” Subaru says. “Right about when I turned 30, that’s when we broke up the band. Felt like a good time to settle down.”

Yasu feels a weight start to form in the pit of his stomach, a cold little stone that he wasn’t expecting and tries to ignore. He doesn’t know what to ask next. 

“How about you?” Subaru asks softly, saving him. “What have you been doing?” He sounds apologetic, to ask such a simple question after 6 years of not knowing. Yasu knew this is how it would be, though. He doesn’t really mind, it’s just good to be able to talk about it after all this time.

“I learnt all kinds of things,” Yasu says, smiling. “I thought about doing something with fashion, I did a bit of that for a while. Designing. But... I guess I was like you, I felt like after a while I didn’t have anything to design any more. So I went and moved out to Okinawa. You remember that house we saw that time, when we were there in 2007?” he asks, wondering whether Subaru will have any recollection at all of what he’s talking about. “I bought it.”

Subaru’s eyebrows raise in surprise, and he smiles. “I remember,” he says. “That was such a good time,” he says, meeting Yasu’s eyes.

Yasu, caught off guard, feels a flush of warmth spread across his face. “Yeah,” he agrees. “I fell in love with it then,” he murmurs. 

“I remember,” Subaru says again. “The earth spoke to you,” he says, and there’s a smile playing around his lips that could be teasing, but it just fills Yasu with sheer happiness to share a memory together. “So did you go to do diving and stuff?” Subaru goes on, still with a little awkwardness but Yasu can see he’s trying hard. 

“Yeah, that’s right!” he says, smiling encouragingly. “I learnt to be an instructor, so that’s what I do now.”

Subaru nods. “Sounds good,” he says softly. He pauses. “Was it hard?” he asks, his voice even quieter. “To start all over again like that...” 

Yasu’s instinct is to shake his head - he loves his life in Okinawa, he’s doing something he enjoys and he has a great lifestyle; but he wants to be honest. He thinks back seriously to when he first went there. “It wasn’t that it was difficult,” he says carefully. “But I went there because I thought I could be happy there.”

Subaru smiles at him, shy but opening up a little further. “You are happy, right? You seem happy.”

“I’m happy,” Yasu says, and even though he’s telling the truth, to his surprise he feels his eyes prickle as though there are tears that want to fall.

***

They make the most of their time off. They hire a car, take it in turns to drive. They swim in the sea, walk on the beaches, try all the food they can, stay up all night talking and drinking and laughing. 

The whole summer has just been the best experience of his life, Yasu thinks as he reflects on it with Subaru, in the early hours one morning when they’re meandering back to their hotel. They’ve completed a 47-prefecture tour, and they’ve grown as a band, as individuals, as musicians - it feels like they’re finally getting somewhere, they’ve really found their own path! And working together, being together, this summer, has just brought everyone closer. Yasu feels like they’re a true team now, invincible together!

“I’m so proud of us,” he murmurs. He can’t keep the feeling inside him. “I think we’ve really achieved something now. I feel like nothing can stop us!”

Subaru nods. Yasu waits for him to laugh, but he doesn’t. “I feel the same,” Subaru says simply. “When we started out I didn’t know how this was going to go. But we did it. We did something special.”

Yasu smiles, delighted, touched right to his heart by Subaru’s sincerity. 

They sit on the balcony of Yasu’s hotel room and keep drinking at a leisurely pace, till they can see the sky start to glow and turn yellow where it meets the sea. Yasu thinks if things could stay just like this, if he could feel this content for the rest of his life, it wouldn’t matter if he never had anything else, wouldn’t matter if he never got exactly what his heart wants - he’d still be the happiest man to ever live. 

“I love it here so much,” he says to Subaru, looking out at the stars and the moon over the water. “I’d love to live here!”

“That’d be a bit inconvenient for work,” Subaru says wisely. 

“I know,” giggles Yasu. “But maybe I could get a second house! Come down here during winter! It’s not like we don’t spend loads of time travelling anyway...” 

Subaru eyes him. “You sound like you’re really thinking about this,” he says. 

Yasu can’t tell if he’s being mocked or not. “I just... feel a connection here,” he says. Yasu doesn’t care how silly he might sound, not with Subaru, not now. “Really at home, y’know?”

“I know,” Subaru says, and when Yasu turns his head their eyes meet. “Just so long as I can come visit, OK?” he murmurs, the corners of his mouth twitching into a smile.

“You don’t even have to ask,” Yasu says warmly. 

***

The next few days seem to take forever to pass. Every night when Yasu lies in bed his mind swims with questions until he’s overwhelmed, a horrible, sick, desperate feeling that sits in his stomach and sinks him like a stone. If he tries to consider what he’s going to do next, he feels panic crush him till he can’t breathe. He needs more time. 

Yasu doesn’t sleep on Monday night. His heart races and he can’t quiet his mind. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen when they all walk into a room and Subaru is there. He wonders if punches might be thrown. He wonders if he’d try to stop whoever was throwing them.

Everyone turns up, except Ryo and Maru. Yasu can understand why Ryo isn’t here. He has a guaranteed job within Johnnys anyway, with NEWS, so he doesn’t need to hang around to hear his fate; in fact, Yasu is relieved he isn’t there, because if he was Yasu isn’t at all certain he wouldn’t’ve thrown all the past to one side and taken a swing at Subaru. Maru’s absence, though, is more worrying. He makes a note to call him, keep an eye on him. He realises he doesn’t know how Maru must be feeling at all. He doesn’t know anything now, he realises, except what’s going on in his own world. It’s a cold, lonely thought. 

They all sit around a big table, like they always have in any other meeting, but there are managers and big bosses there and Yasu can feel the gravity of the situation on his head and everyone else’s, can see it in their faces. Right at the corner of the table, shielded by staff, is Subaru, glasses on and a hat pulled way down. He looks small and his face is tired and drawn, and Yasu almost feels sorry for him - he can’t quite forget that Subaru is in the same place they are; the only difference is, it’s his choice. 

They’ve always known Johnnys is a fast-moving place to work. No-one is indispensible. If you can’t adapt, then there’s always someone who’s waiting to take your place. 

“I understand this is an unprecedented situation,” says the most senior boss. His tone is clinical and without emotion. “But I hope you’ve all had a chance to consider your options based on the discussion we had last week.”

Yasu remembers it as if through a fog. He recalls the same businesslike voice telling them in a lukewarm fashion that there are still opportunities for them within Johnnys, that ongoing projects can be honoured and that positions can be found... for those who fit the bill. 

Yasu has barely got it straight in his head. He can’t imagine not being in Johnnys, it’s all he’s ever been and it’s shaped almost everything about his life. But if he tries to think about continuing, with no Kanjani8 - with no Subaru - and with only bitterness and resentment about what they used to have, what they could’ve been... He feels cold, right to the very core, bleak and pointless. He might as well go and be an ordinary salaryman for all the enjoyment he can see in that future. 

So with barely any thought at all, he says, “I’ve greatly enjoyed my time working with everyone, and I’m truly grateful for everything I’ve learnt and all the people who’ve looked after me, but in these circumstances I think I have no choice but to resign also.”

He can feel the other members stare at him. Across the table, Subaru lifts his head, and for a moment their eyes meet, before Yasu swiftly turns his head away, his face hot and eyes starting to prickle. 

He can tell by looking at the faces of the bosses that they’re not going to argue with him. Yasu is suddenly hit with the full realisation that he _doesn’t_ fit the bill, and even though he knows he shouldn’t be surprised, it stings, like he might as well have quit years ago. No-one’s going to stop him now, there’s no further path he can take within Johnnys. He bows his head and waits.

“If Yasu’s going, then I guess I should go too,” says Hina, almost breezily. “If there’s no place for him, then there’s definitely no place for me!” He laughs a little. “Still time for Okada to give me the call up for the national squad!”

Yasu manages a smile. He knows Hina’s right, this isn’t the end of the world, but right now, the future is still a long way off, and now feels like being in a vice, that he’ll just have to endure until the pressure stops.

“If you’ll still have me, I’d like to stay,” says Yoko quietly. “I don’t mind what I do! But I’m no good at anything else, I wouldn’t know where to start even trying to find something new! And I want to be able to provide for my family. So, if it’s alright, I’ll carry on for as long as I can.” He bows his head humbly. Yasu knows it’s Yoko’s way, but it makes him uncomfortable seeing him having to grovel to keep his job like this. He knows they’ll be happy to keep Yoko, though. He’s the one who puts himself down the most, but with the least reason! 

Three down, one to go.

It’s quiet for a long time before Ohkura speaks. “I guess I’ll quit too,” he says, and Yasu’s head shoots up to look at him. 

Out of everyone (besides Ryo), Yasu thought Ohkura would stay, living the life of an idol! He has the looks, and acting work has been steadily coming his way - and, Yasu has to admit, he couldn’t picture Ohkura doing anything else, even if that does feel like an uncharitable thought. 

“If I leave now, I can have a shot at a normal life,” Ohkura goes on under everyone’s scrutiny. “I can go on a date wherever I like. I could get married,” he says, and Yasu completely understands the sudden juxtaposition of the real world with the life they live. Things normal people take for granted, that haven’t ever been a part of Yasu’s adult life.

All that stretches ahead of him. Yasu can feel it start to unfurl in his mind, like leaving home and living away from his parents for the first time. Freedom, but also finding his feet all over again. It’s scary, but in an exciting way. Yasu relishes a challenge. 

Maybe he can be like Hina, and see this as a fresh start, not a messy end. Yasu’s not like some of the others, there’s plenty he can see himself doing instead of this. He’s willing to use his imagination - he’d say it was one of his strengths, even.

But that’s only half the story.

It doesn’t salve the less rational hurt he feels, the hurt that isn’t from the anger or the betrayal or the uncertainty. Yasu doesn’t want to look at it. He wants to hide it and bury it until it doesn’t hurt anymore, and he can pretend it was never there.

But he still wants some answers. They all deserve that. If no-one else asks, then Yasu will. Maybe his questions are stupid, maybe he should already know what Subaru will say, but he still has to ask.

When the staff and bosses are all leaving, and the members - ex-members? - are getting ready to do the same, not quite meeting each other’s eyes, Yasu is the one to approach Subaru after all. 

He steels his nerve, and looks Subaru in the eye. “Why did you do it?” he asks quietly. It occurs to him that no-one has asked Subaru exactly what _he’s_ going to do, but that’s not the first thing on anyone’s mind, he’s sure. He’ll get to that. 

Subaru hesitates. Yasu can see he doesn’t know where to start. Eventually he takes a deep breath. “I don’t belong here,” he murmurs. “I’ve never belonged here. I should get out, while I still have time.”

“Time for what?” Yasu asks. “What are you going to do?” he asks finally, hearing the desperation in his own voice.

“I want to make the music I want to, all the time,” Subaru says, and he looks Yasu in the face. “I’m getting too old for this boyband thing. And it’s just going to get boring as we get older. What were they going to do with us in a couple of years?”

Yasu hates that there’s truth in Subaru’s words - feels like if he was talking nonsense, if Yasu could persuade him he was mistaken, then they could still turn this around and get back to normal... But that time has passed, Yasu knows, and so he might as well just try and get over the hurt that stabs in his chest. “But who knows what they might’ve had lined up for us? We were just starting to get somewhere!” he says, reaching for Subaru’s arm. 

“Last year, maybe,” says Subaru, his expression hard. “But then... they put us aside again. No album, barely any releases - _2008_ ,” he says heavily. “This should’ve been our year! If they were going to do anything with us, wouldn’t it have been this year? We were on a high, they could’ve pushed us forward, made something of us! But they don’t know what to do with us. They never have. They don’t think we’re worth spending money on. That’s why they just let us fall back again.” Subaru sounds so bitter, but Yasu knows his point is a valid one.

“But what about _us_?” Yasu whispers, feeling like a child. 

Subaru is quiet for several moments. “You’re all going to be OK, though,” he says eventually. “You’re all talented guys. You’ve all got plans. You’ll be fine.”

 _You didn’t know that before you came here today!_ Yasu wants to shout, but he doesn’t. “We’d’ve been even better altogether,” he says, his voice starting to crack. He wants to say more, wants to ask Subaru _Why aren’t my songs good enough, why can’t we write together, why didn’t you take me with you? Take me with you!_ but it’s too late. Subaru has another partner, another band, all lined up and ready to go. And with an ex-star-Johnnys in the line-up, they’ll guarantee interest at least. 

Would’ve got even more with two, or three, or four, Yasu thinks. “I just wish you’d talked to us,” he whispers. 

A cloud passes briefly across Subaru’s face. “I didn’t want to make any decisions for you,” he murmurs. “This was my own problem. I didn’t want to try and assume anything. I didn’t want to drag you down.”

Yasu feels a flash of anger. “Didn’t you think that this would mean we _couldn’t_ make any of our own decisions?” he hisses. “By not telling us you took away our choice!” Yasu can’t be here any more, he decides, because otherwise he’s going to break down and that isn’t how he wants this to end! He swallows, takes a breath. “I hope it works out for you,” he says, trying to sound like he’s made of steel, not a thin sapling blown by the wind. “I hope it’s worth it.” He stops himself before his voice starts to shake as much as the rest of his body, and he turns and walks away without looking back.

***

 _You dragged us down alright. Wouldn’t it have been better to be dragged down together than apart?_ For six years, Yasu’s half wished he asked that, is half relieved he didn’t. It wouldn’t have made a difference to the way things went at the time, but maybe Subaru would have had something to think about.

But now, sitting here face to face with him again, he knows that Subaru must’ve thought it a thousand times anyway. Yasu couldn’t have imagined how good it would feel to sit here and be able to talk with Subaru, almost as friends again. 

“Do you... see the others, at all?” Subaru says, a little uncertainly.

“Yeah, some more than others,” Yasu says. “Ryo comes down to visit when he can, and if I’m in Tokyo or Osaka we always meet up. And Ohkura, he’s quite busy but we talk on the phone sometimes. Hina too, whenever I come up we catch up.” Yasu looks at Subaru’s face. He looks... lonely. Yasu feels a pang of hurt for him, if he hasn’t seen any of his former colleagues, people he used to see all the time, in all this time... He doesn’t want to ask, but there’s just something he’s been wondering about. “How about you?”

“Yeah, I see Hina and Yoko occasionally,” Subaru says, and Yasu feels a little better. “And I watched a bit of Ryo’s last drama, the one with the orphan.”

“Me too,” says Yasu, smiling. “He’s doing well for himself isn’t he?”

“I’m glad,” murmurs Subaru. “I’m glad everyone seems to have done OK...” He takes a breath. “I was selfish. I know that now. I think I knew it at the time, but...” He looks up and meets Yasu’s gaze with an intensity Yasu remembers. It makes him feel just the way it did back then, draws him in, takes his full attention. “I couldn’t make myself do something I didn’t feel,” Subaru says, almost pleading for Yasu to understand. 

“I know,” says Yasu, with feeling. “I always knew that about you.”

Subaru shakes his head. “I’m just not that big a person,” he mumbles. “I couldn’t pretend to be happy when I wasn’t.”

“You can’t ignore your heart,” Yasu says softly. His own is stirring with faint ghosts of feelings he thought had faded to nothing, but he can feel them gathering strength. He’s taken by surprise, tries to push them away before they can fluster him.

Subaru smiles. “I was sorry though, I really was,” he insists. “But if we’d carried on I would’ve made life miserable for everyone, I know it,” he says with a wry smile. 

“I believe you,” teases Yasu. “Better to make a clean end than fall apart, right?”

“Yeah,” Subaru nods. They’ve both seen it happen since, with other groups. At least this way... Yasu feels like maybe at least there’s no damage that’s undoable. They didn’t tear each other up. Maybe if Yasu can build this bridge... so can the others. 

“Do you ever think about them?” Yasu asks tentatively. He’s thinking.

“‘Course I do,” says Subaru fervently. “I still regret it all. I still wish I could apologise to everyone, properly, see how they’re doing now. At least talk about it all. If they would,” he finishes, a little sadly.

“I’m sure they would,” Yasu says, and he means it. “I look back and I want to remember all the good things, like we wanted to do all that we did and end on a high. I’m sure the others do too,” he says encouragingly. “You already have Yoko and Hina, and I could have a word with Ohkura and Ryo...” He hasn’t talked about all that with them, not for years. But everything’s OK now. It must be safe to revisit, he tells himself. It’s got to be worth a shot. 

Subaru frowns. “What about Maru?” he asks, and Yasu frowns too, because he was going to ask Subaru the same thing.

“I haven’t seen him,” Yasu says, feeling inexplicably guilty. “I don’t even know what he decided to do.”

Subaru looks uneasy. “Me neither. I tried to call him, mail him, but I never got a response. I took the hint,” he says. Yasu can hear his regret. “It’s one of the things I feel worst about,” and for some reason, that more than anything makes Yasu feel that this might not be as straightforward as he hoped, but it suddenly feels like the most important thing he’ll ever do.

“I wonder what he's doing,” says Yasu seriously. “I want to find him now.”

Subaru nods. “Me too,” he agrees. He pauses. “A few years ago I would never have imagined that I wouldn't still be in touch with him, wouldn't even have a clue where he was,” he goes on quietly. He looks like he wants to say something else, but he doesn't.

“I'll ask around, see if anyone knows,” Yasu says. He feels terrible that he never did it before, even though he wanted to – he sent Maru mails but they were never answered, so he just assumed Maru wanted to be left alone. And then time passed. Yasu feels extra-urgent about this now, to make up for 6 years of neglect. Maybe Maru does want to be alone, but Yasu wants him to tell him that to his face.

“Let me know what you find out,” says Subaru. He still looks a little sad.

“We should all get together,” Yasu says, trying to sound brighter. “A reunion!”

Subaru half-smiles. “I'm not sure it'd be a very happy one.”

“But at least we could all talk about it,” Yasu says earnestly. “You could explain! Before, everyone was so angry, but now... I think it's time to lay it all to rest. After all,” he adds, “It worked out OK tonight, didn't it?” He smiles shyly.

“But you're you,” Subaru points out. “You're kind and nice! If it took _you_ 6 years to forgive me, what about the others?”

“It'll be fine,” Yasu says reassuringly. “They're all doing fine. I'm sure they want to not have our last memories together be bitter ones.”

Subaru smiles. “Thanks,” he says. “Thanks for bothering to find me after all this time. I'm really grateful.”

Yasu beams. “I'm glad I came,” he says warmly. “I just... didn't want everything we had together to be a waste. I didn't want to look back at it and feel bad anymore.” He can't quite bring himself to say the rest, even if he feels it. He thinks Subaru knows.

When he goes back to the hotel he's staying at, Yasu is filled with a sense of real, true contentment, like a scar has begun to fade. The first thing he does is write an email. He sends it to Ryo, Ohkura, Hina, tells them about meeting Subaru and how rewarding it was, how happy it made him feel to be able to face the past and not see it as ugly and sour. He hopes they can do the same, he says, and invites them to come out and meet up sometime soon, while he's here! He knows the others are still based in Tokyo, except Ohkura, but it's not too far to come from Osaka for a night or two. After all the travelling they used to do, Yasu still thinks of coming up to Honshu as only a modestly-sized trip. He guesses he's never been someone who likes to stand still.

 _PS,_ he writes, even though it's not an afterthought. _Have any of you heard from Maru at all? Hina, any ideas where he might be? It'd be great to see him again. I think he took it all the hardest out of all of us._

The next day he gets a mail from Hina, who says he hasn't heard from Maru in a while, but after it all happened he did speak to him, to see what he was going to do, but Maru didn't really know. After that he'd call Maru every so often, but he never wanted to speak for long, and he never called Hina back, so Hina started calling less and less, until eventually... He feels bad too, he says, but Maru was always a mystery. Hina had always felt they were fairly close, but he realised how little even he knew about Maru's life. Hina's always found that quite sad. So he'd like to meet up with Subaru again, patch things up – and if they can track down Maru too, he'd love to apologise for not being the friend he should've been.

Yasu is moved by Hina's reply. If he'd known everyone else was feeling like this too, he'd've started the ball rolling much sooner. Or maybe they hadn't realised they'd been feeling this way, until Yasu got in touch. Maybe the time was just right.

Ohkura's reply is much shorter, and comes a couple of days later. Sure, Ohkura says, he wouldn't mind hearing what Subaru has to say. Because Yasu asked so nicely and persuasively, how can he say no? He has no reason to hold a grudge now. And the next time they meet, Ohkura has something important to tell him, though he's sure Yasu will be able to guess what it is.

Ryo takes a little longer to respond, and when he does it's lukewarm at best. He's happy for Yasu if he's happy, but he's moved on now. He doesn't want to stir up a bunch of stuff from the past. He doesn't see where that'll get anyone.

Yasu feels helpless. He knows Ryo has a point, and he also knows Ryo's hard to move when he's made his mind up. But Yasu feels strongly that this is something that should happen. He doesn't care if the others think he's silly or crazy, he feels like they need to try. Even if nothing changes after it. But maybe it will, and maybe they'll all be happier and richer for it.

He at least persuades Ryo to meet up with him. Yasu's time is limited now, he has to get back to Okinawa, back to his job! But he manages to arrange to see Ryo before he has to go. Ryo takes him to a restaurant he frequents. Being with him always makes Yasu remember how it used to feel, getting private rooms in restaurants and people doing double takes and whispering to each other excitedly when they walk by. Ryo always had it to a more extreme degree than the rest of them, but now it's 20 times what it was. Yasu's sure some people will recognise him when he's by Ryo's side, even if they wouldn't if they just saw him walking down the street. He hides a smile, thinking about being gossipped about on the internet again, even if it is only amongst girls with long memories.

Yasu waits till the end of the night to bring up Subaru, because he wants to enjoy some time catching up with Ryo too. He doesn't want to sour things with a friend by nagging him right away. Talking with Ryo makes him miss the lifestyle just a little, wondering what could've been and how tabloid-worthy he could've ended up too.

“I don't feel like digging up the past,” Ryo says again when Yasu eventually asks him.

Yasu's surprised, he can't lie. After all, Ryo is the one who should've been affected least by what happened back then. He kept his career, in the same field, and he's had great success. Possibly greater than he would've done if he'd stayed in Kanjani8. Without the extra commitment, Ryo could take on more solo work, more acting, got more noticed... Yasu wouldn't've expected him to be so hung up about it. “Why?” he asks. “You've done really well for yourself without us holding you back,” he adds, laughing softly.

“Don't say that,” Ryo frowns. “It's not about that.”

“What is it about?” asks Yasu, puzzled.

Ryo hesitates, searching for words. “I didn't care about all this,” he says eventually. “Like... I didn't have ambitions for myself in particular,” he explains, and Yasu can tell he's self-conscious, but he ploughs on. “I mean, I wasn't going to turn it down! But...” He takes a deep breath. “It wasn't the same as being with you guys,” he mumbles. “We'd been through all those struggles together, I wanted to prove it was worth it! I didn't have to work hard for a lot of the opportunities I got, but working with you guys, we didn't get a lot of help sometimes, we'd had to really fight for it, and I wanted to show them we could do it, together, just with our own talent. I know I had another group, but... they weren't you lot.”

Yasu can't think what he should say. He's moved. Ryo is blushing across the table, avoiding his eyes. Yasu smiles. “I should take a photo,” he murmurs, trying to lighten the mood.

Ryo scowls. “Don't tease me! I was baring my honest feelings!”

Yasu smiles kindly. “I know. I really appreciate it,” he says. “But why let yourself be bitter about it? If it was something you really valued, why not come and make up with everyone so we can be friends and have that back again?”

Ryo nods. “I do see the others sometimes – I see Yoko of course, and sometimes Hina as well, at TV studios and stuff. But I dunno. You know me and Subaru-kun always used to get teased for being awkward together anyway, wouldn't it be so much worse now? How would we make up when we were never that kind of friends in the first place?”

“Never too late to start?” Yasu jokes weakly. “Come on though, if I persuade everyone else and you're not there, there's no point to it at all!”

Ryo's expression looks torn. “I can see where you're coming from,” he says. “But...” He pauses again. “I didn't like what he did to you either.”

“To me?” Yasu echoes. His stomach flips, suddenly more self-conscious than Ryo. What can he know?! “What do you mean?”

“You guys wrote great songs together,” Ryo says matter-of-factly. “You're such a good songwriter and you loved music, it's not fair that he got the chance to carry it on while he took away _your_ chance!”

Yasu frowns. “No, it wasn't like that,” he says, confused. “I could've chosen to carry on too, but I didn't! There were lots of things I wanted to do. I took the break-up as a fresh start, a chance to do some of the other things I couldn't pursue in Johnnys. And besides,” he adds, “Shibuyan isn't in the band any more. They broke up. He took that huge gamble and it didn't even go the way he hoped. Imagine how that must've felt.”

Ryo looks at Yasu curiously. “You're defending him,” he says. “You're too nice! You had the most to lose with his _gamble_ and you're still taking his side!”

“It's taken me 6 years,” Yasu points out. “And I don't think I was the one who lost the most at all!” Yasu doesn't even feel comfortable saying that. “Maru must've taken it hardest, he never even came to meet Shibuyan that day, when we decided what we were going to do.”

Ryo looks troubled, but he isn't done yet. “But you and Subaru, it was... different,” he insists. “You guys were so close, I couldn't believe he could do that to you.”

It's Yasu's turn to be completely on the back foot. He wishes Ryo hadn't said it out loud like that, like he knows everything Yasu has thought and felt in the last ten years. “There wasn't anything special,” he murmurs. “There can't have been, can there? Or he would've talked about it with me first.” Yasu shakes his head. He didn't mean to make that sound so bitter.

“That's what I mean,” Ryo says softly. “But I think he owed it to you, of all people. I saw your face, the day they told us. We were all hurt, we were all angry, but your face... I'd never seen you look like that.”

Yasu looks away. “It did hurt me,” he admits. His cheeks are burning. He didn't think this was something he would ever talk about, but he knows what Ryo is getting at.

Ryo's expression is briefly the smug look of someone who has been proved right, but it quickly becomes one of sympathy when he sees how embarrassed Yasu is. “So there _was_ something,” he says quietly.

“No!” Yasu says quickly. “There was never... anything!” It's almost more difficult to admit that than if something _had_ happened between him and Subaru. At least then he would have some memories, not just regrets. He wishes the floor would open up and swallow him whole.

“But you wanted there to be, right?” Ryo just comes right out with it.

Yasu stares at the floor by Ryo's feet. “I don't know. Maybe. It's difficult.” His heart is thudding. “It's a good thing it didn't. It would've made things even worse. It would've caused a lot of trouble.”

“Subaru-kun caused a lot of trouble anyway,” Ryo points out. “Maybe if you two had had something, he wouldn't've left.”

Yasu has never thought of that before. He shakes his head. “Don't be silly,” he mutters. “It was completely out of the question! Can you imagine?” It could never have happened. Even if the time had been right, or he'd had the nerve...

Ryo purses his lips, imagining. “I know. But look where we ended up. If you both had got thrown out of Johnnys or something, we'd only have ended up in the same situation. But maybe you guys could've made it work. Maybe you'd be writing hit records together. Maybe we all would've been, together.”

Yasu looks up at him, waits a beat. “That's really not helpful,” he points out. Regrets that had never even occurred to him are piling themselves on him, heavy and bitter.

“Well, you've made contact with him again now,” Ryo says with a little smile. “Who knows what might happen.”

***

“I brought some lyrics to show you,” Subaru says as they head out of the meeting room. They’re just beginning to plan the spring tour, preparing their unit songs and working out the set list. “For one of the songs you gave me a few months ago.”

“Great, let’s see!” Yasu enthuses. It’s exciting when Subaru has new lyrics for him. He loves to see what Subaru’s written now, loves the thrill of working out a new song together.

Subaru gives him a handwritten piece of paper and watches Yasu’s face as he reads. 

Yasu is quiet for a minute. “That’s... powerful,” he murmurs. The song is beautiful - sexy and intense. Yasu can feel every word of it. 

“You think it’s OK?” asks Subaru, with a tiny smile.

“Of course I do,” Yasu says warmly. “I think this one’s probably your best yet! Really... evocative.” He hopes he isn’t blushing.

“Thanks,” mumbles Subaru, smiling a little more. 

“So, which song is it for?” Yasu asks, though he thinks he knows already.

“It goes like...” Subaru hums a phrase. 

Yasu nods. He was right.

“I liked it,” Subaru says. “It was simple and pretty. So I could write those sort of words, and it didn’t feel like too much.”

“Yeah, I see,” Yasu says, nodding. Subaru’s lyrics are rich and heady - too heavy a melody would’ve been too much, too dark. “I’m glad you chose that one,” he says, smiling. He remembers when he wrote it. They’d been in the early stages of their tour the year before, getting into the routine of concerts and travelling and being together. They’d reached the right kind of rhythm by then, everyone had settled into the tour lifestyle again, and Yasu was completely immersed in it, totally caught up in the shared experience. He remembers his brain fizzing with creative energy, it’s the best feeling Yasu knows! When they had a few days off, he felt almost stifled in his own little apartment - it felt too mundane, too everyday to give his imagination the space it needed. So he’d taken his guitar, and got in his car and driven, till he was far enough away from the city that his mind was clear and ready. He’d sat in the dark and played until he had the tune, imagining Subaru singing it, hearing Subaru’s voice. Trying to make a song Subaru would want to sing, a song that’d make him feel good. Music that would inspire him to write words to move people, to touch people. 

When Yasu writes music for the band, he has to focus everything on Subaru, try and feel as connected with him as he can. He tries to only think of him. When he gets himself into that place, the melody comes easily. Yasu still can’t imagine himself being able to do this, to think like this, to write songs like this, with anyone else. This feeling, this creativity, it’s something he feels like only Subaru can inspire. 

“Do you want to come over and practice it?” Subaru asks him. “I was thinking this time, rather than doing it as a band song, why don’t we make it a duet?” 

Yasu doesn’t know why he suddenly feels warmer. “Just us two? Singing?” he says, and his heart skips a beat

Subaru smiles. “Yeah. Just us two.”

***

Time’s gone too quickly, and Yasu has to go home. But he promises to call Subaru and come back as soon as they can arrange a time to get everyone together. And he makes sure to stress that anytime Subaru wants to come to Okinawa, he’s more than welcome. He half-hopes Subaru knows just how sincere his invitation is, but the other half of him is self-conscious now. His feelings are all stirred up, he doesn’t know how much he’s showing on the outside. All he knows is, he really does hope, right from his heart, that he sees Subaru again soon.

He thought he wasn’t going to be able to meet Hina, but it just so happens that he’s free on the morning when Yasu is flying home, so they meet for a coffee in the airport. 

“So, things went well when you met up with Subaru then?” Hina asks. Yasu thinks maybe he has a kind of knowing look on his face - or maybe he’s just hyper-sensitive right now.

“Yes, it was good,” says Yasu measuredly. “I guess you knew about the shop and the band and everything already?” he asks, to put off the questions that he knows Hina will inevitably ask him.

“Yeah,” Hina says. “It was a shame, but I think he’s happy now.”

“Yeah, he said he is,” says Yasu with a little smile. 

“What about you?” Hina asks, without even hesitating. “Are you happy?”

“Sure I am,” he replies. “I love my life in Okinawa.” It’s the truth. Yasu believes that you can choose to be happy, or choose to be miserable, and if you choose regret you only have yourself to blame.

“Have you got a... partner there?” Hina asks, as carefully as Hina can.

Yasu stiffens a little. “You sound like my mother,” he jokes weakly. “Not at the moment,” he says vaguely. 

Hina nods. He’s quiet for a moment before he says, in the least casual way Yasu can imagine, “Neither does Subaru.” 

Yasu’s stomach flips right over and he knows he must be turning pink. He wishes he could think of something to say in response, because then maybe Hina would be diverted.

“Did anything ever happen between you two?” Hina asks finally. Yasu almost smiles through his mortification - he can tell Hina’s been dying to ask for 6 years, probably more.

Yasu sighs. “No,” he admits, defeated. “Nothing happened, Though it seems like everyone was expecting it to.” Maybe Ryo was right. What was the point in holding back, if everyone thought there was something there anyway?

“Sorry,” Hina says, but in a way that suggests he’s not sorry for asking, just sorry nothing happened. 

“It’s a long time ago,” Yasu says, but he knows he’s not convincing Hina. He’s not even trying to convince himself.

“But you’re back in touch now,” Hina says encouragingly.

Yasu chuckles. “Ryo said something similar,” he murmurs. 

“Well, there you go then!” says Hina with a grin. 

Yasu shakes his head. “Don’t,” he mumbles. He needs to keep his feet on the ground. It seems ridiculous to even think about even hoping anything could happen, after so long. “That’s not what this is about,” he says, and that much at least is true.

“No, I know, I know,” says Hina, finally relenting. “But in any case, it’s great that you met him and I’m happy it was successful.”

Yasu nods gratefully. “I think he really wants to make up with everyone now. I think we’re all tired of hiding and pretending those years never even existed.”

Hina nods. “Of course,” he says. “And that’s great news! I’d definitely be up for a reunion!”

Yasu smiles. “You’re still in touch with everyone anyway, aren’t you?”

“Apart from Maru.” Hina looks more serious now. 

“Yeah, I wonder how we could find him?” Yasu feels helpless, it’s been so long he has no idea where to start.

Hina rubs his chin. “Years ago, I got a postcard,” he says. “It didn’t say a lot, just that he was travelling and taking photos. He was in Australia then but he said he’d been to Thailand, Guam, South Africa, all over the place. I guess he probably came home though? I don’t see him as the type to move abroad permanently. He’s too Japanese!”

Yasu chuckles. “I get what you mean.” He thinks for a minute. “Do you think maybe he makes a living out of photography then?” he wonders aloud.

Hina looks thoughtful. “That’s an interesting idea,” he says. “Somehow I don’t see him working for Myojo or taking wedding photos,” he goes on, laughing. 

Yasu giggles. “What about gravure?” he says. “Can you imagine?!”

Hina laughs more. “I don’t think he’d last five minutes!” he says. “No-one would let him loose in that sort of situation!” He sounds vaguely horrified at the possibility.

Yasu chuckles. “What about travel magazines then, or nature?”

Hina nods. “That’s a possibility,” he agrees. “I’ll ask around, see if I can find out anything.”

“Your many contacts,” says Yasu, grinning. “But I’m sure Maru isn’t a sports photographer either, so you won’t run across him in your line of work,” he teases.

Hina snorts. “Definitely not,” he says, “But next time I’m in touch with magazine people I’ll ask if anyone knows anything. And if not I’ll go ask the people who put the magazines together, they must know where they get their photos from!”

Hina’s enthusiasm makes Yasu happy. “I’m sure you’ll find something,” he says, smiling. “You’re good at this stuff!”

“I’ll ask Yoko too,” Hina adds. “He’s even better. He’s way smarter than me. He can come up with the ideas, I can talk to people!”

“Teamwork,” Yasu says, smiling more. “Thanks for getting involved,” he says sincerely.

“No, we all should’ve done it sooner!” Hina says. “Thanks for getting this off the ground. It was a great idea.”

They hug warmly before Yasu goes to the gate, and Hina promises to keep Yasu updated with his Maru search. Yasu thinks this all sounds very serious and detective-like, but if they’re not going to do it right, what’s the point? If they don’t include Maru it’s not worth doing at all. 

It feels lonely when he gets back to Okinawa, Yasu can’t ignore it. He’s only been gone just over a week, and it feels like a whole different era. He looks around his apartment and everything he said about being happy and content feels like lies. It feels like barely treading water compared to being with the others. He was still angry when he came to live here, or if not angry, at least a little bitter - but now all that has melted away, and it just feels like filler, passing the time until he was back to normal.

And now he _is_ back to normal, and he wants to go home. 

***  
They practice the song at Subaru’s house, both singing as Yasu plays the guitar. Yasu always loves to hear how Subaru has taken his idea and developed it, made it grow into something richer and more beautiful, something that fits him just right. They talk about the arrangement, share ideas - it feels fruitful to Yasu, like it’s going down a new path. It feels mature, grown-up, like they’re growing, together. Yasu knows Subaru has helped him develop and improve as a songwriter, and he would be delighted if Subaru felt the same. 

He watches Subaru sing, drawn in, captivated by him. When they’re done, his heart is beating faster in a way he’s never known before. There’s a thought, a feeling, in the back of his mind, but he’s desperately trying to quash it before it gets the better of him. He knows it’s been there for a while, years, he can’t even remember how long, but he hasn’t dared ever acknowledge it, hasn’t wanted to make it real. 

“You’re sounding really good,” he manages to say.

Subaru smiles modestly.. “If it works on you, hopefully it should work on the audience,” he says.

Yasu feels tongue-tied, he doesn’t know what he can say. He’s afraid to open his mouth in case what spills out is too much, but saying nothing seems even stranger. Subaru must know, must see, must feel what’s going on in Yasu’s head! 

“Do you want to hang out a bit longer? We could watch a movie or something,” says Subaru, and Yasu agrees right away.

Subaru puts on a DVD and fetches them both a beer. Yasu can’t concentrate, all he can think about is Subaru sitting next to him, close even though Subaru’s sofa is big enough for three people at least. His mind is racing. He thinks of the way Subaru puts his arm round him when they film for TV shows, the way Subaru holds his hand sometimes, the jokes Subaru saves just for him, the times when Subaru’s surprised him with a gesture from the heart. It might be nothing. It might just be the connection between them that lets them understand each other, lets them write songs like the one they’ve been working on tonight together. Or maybe they’re able to do that because of the way Yasu feels, the way maybe Subaru feels as well. 

Yasu turns it over and over in his mind. He can’t ignore how he feels anymore, not now, not when he feels so close to Subaru. In his heart he thinks he’s never felt like this about anyone before. It’s in the song, in the music - writing together, working together, being together, growing up together - Yasu’s never had any need for anyone else. People tell him he has a big heart, but there’s none of it spare to share with anyone else. 

It would be wrong, Yasu thinks. Even if... he daredn’t think it, but even if Subaru felt the same, there’s nothing they can do. It would be suicidal! The band, their career, it’s too important for that! Yasu loves the members like brothers, loves the group, and even if it’s been tough in the past, he loves their position in Johnnys. He always wants to be able to write songs with Subaru like this. Even if it means always wondering, waiting until the flame goes out - he’d rather have this chance. He has to put Kanjani8 first. They’ve been through too much already to let selfishness get in the way.

So he sits, feeling the warmth of Subaru’s body next to him, just letting his feelings come like he never has before. Just for now, if it’s OK with Subaru, he’s just going to enjoy the feelings he has, the glow of affection when Subaru makes him laugh, the pride, the admiration when he watches Subaru rehearse. Why not just enjoy what they have, Yasu thinks - it won’t last forever. And even if it does, Yasu can deal with that. He always wants to be a part of Subaru’s life, and if Subaru still wants him there... he can wait. 

It’s late when the movie ends. Subaru turns to him, and there’s a look in his dark eyes that Yasu doesn’t think he’s ever seen there before. “You can stay over if you like,” he says, and even though it’s something completely normal between all the members, Yasu knows that this time it’s not, it’s more, and it takes all his strength to look back at him and say, his mouth dry and voice hoarse, “I’d love to, but I think I should probably head back home.”

Subaru nods, and Yasu tries to be nonchalant, but Yasu knows that’s the closest they’ll ever get. He can’t deny it hurts, more than a little, but it’s just a little sacrifice, an investment of his emotions, putting them away until he can trust himself with them again. It’s enough that they understand each other, that Subaru feels at least a little the way Yasu does. Even if they never talk about it, Yasu can take comfort in knowing they _could_ have had something. The chance was there, but... it just wouldn’t have been right to take it. 

It doesn’t stop his heart feeling like lead all the way home, though, and it doesn’t stop the few tears that leak from the corners of his eyes as he lies down to sleep in his own bed, alone. He wishes they’d kissed, just once, just so he’d know how it felt to do it for real, not joking. So he’d know what he was walking away from. But if Subaru had kissed him, Yasu knows that wouldn’t have been enough, he wouldn’t have been able to stop, and that would have been too much, the damage would’ve been done. He consoles himself with the thought that he’s made the right decision, and he can’t deny that it feels good to know that Subaru would’ve had him, if Yasu had let him. He’ll try and hold onto that, try and let the warm, sweet ache in his chest fade in its own time.

***

It’s not long before Yasu gets an email from Hina. He’s delighted, especially when he has good news. 

_Turns out some of the magazine people_ have _come across Maru! Someone told me they’d used photos he’d taken using the name Sakamoto Yuuri. Sounds so Maru right?! But they gave me an email address so I sent a mail, but I’ve not heard anything back yet._

Yasu’s touched once more by Hina’s total willingness to get involved and dedicate himself to the task. He thanks Hina sincerely for his help and for the information. He asks for the email address so he can try and get in touch himself, too, but he doesn’t know whether he should, or whether to leave it in Hina’s hands for now. He feels like maybe Hina wants to take care of this part by himself anyway.

He waits to see if Subaru will call him. He doesn’t think he will, and Yasu is completely committed to the idea of making the first move again and calling him - but he wonders how long he should wait before he does. He doesn’t want Subaru to feel hounded, wants him to feel he can still get out if he likes, but he doesn’t want to wait till the idea has completely gone off the boil. Yasu’s missed opportunities before, when the moment was right but he didn’t take the chance, and after that the momentum dwindled till there was nothing left. He doesn’t want that to happen again. 

Yasu decides he’ll wait until he thinks Subaru must be wondering if he’s going to call at all. He can phone him to give him an update, let him know what Hina’s found out about Maru, see if Subaru’s talked with Hina and Yoko about it... He won’t talk about what he discussed with Ryo and Hina, though. Not until he can see Subaru again face to face. As much as he’d like to just let it go again, let it settle back into the past where he can wait for it to disappear again, he doesn’t think he can do that again. He doesn’t feel like he should. It’s been years, and if all those feelings he thought were gone can reignite in a few days then... they were never really gone in the first place, he thinks. Something that can lie dormant for so long but be reawakend in a moment - that’s not something to be ignored. It’s real, and he shouldn’t reject it. Even if Subaru does, well, at least Yasu will have given it everything he can this time.

He has a little wry smile to himself. He went to Tokyo to try and lay the past to rest, but all he’s done is bring it back to life as if it had happened no time at all ago. 

He’s decided that maybe he’ll call Subaru next week, starts planning what he’s going to say on the phone to stop himself being tempted to spill the things he wants to keep secret for a little while longer. But then, one evening, when he’s just sitting at home watching TV, someone knocks at his door.

When he opens it, his heart leaps and his mind goes blank. “How did you know where I live?” he blurts out before he can say anything else.

“You said it was the house we saw back then,” Subaru says, and Yasu steps aside and invites him in before he can make Subaru feel any more uncomfortable.

His mind is swimming, he’s caught off guard! He hasn’t had the time to prepare, all the thoughts he had are still jumbled in his mind and he has to be careful what might tumble out of his mouth. 

“Do you want to look round?” he asks, just to stall for a little more time. 

“It’s beautiful,” Subaru says as Yasu gives him the tour. “You’ve really made it your own. Are these your paintings?” he asks.

“Some are,” Yasu says, smiling modestly. “That seems really vain doesn’t it?” he frets. 

“Not at all, if I could paint I’d show off too,” Subaru says with a grin. “It’s a good talking point. You’ll have to tell me all about them sometime.”

Yasu smiles. 

It’s a while later, after Yasu has had the presence of mind to give him the planned update about Hina, and Maru, that he finally gets around to asking, “So... why did you decide to come?”

Subaru is quiet for a minute, and Yasu can feel the beads of sweat start to form at the back of his neck. Suddenly his heart is beating a little harder again.

“I spoke to Hina,” he says eventually. 

Yasu freezes, a moment’s panic passing over him about what Hina could’ve said. He tries to get a grip. 

“He said you felt like you hadn’t had time in Tokyo to do everything you wanted, and we did only meet once, so instead of talking on the phone... maybe I’d like to come and pay you a visit.” Subaru sounds almost shy. 

Yasu feels something inside him melt into a warm pool in his stomach. “I’m really happy you came,” he says, and it comes from the bottom of his heart. “We’ve got so much to catch up on. But what about your work?” he asks, more out of courtesy than worry.

“I have a couple of employees,” Subaru says easily. “And Okinawa is nice at this time of year, I seemed to remember.”

Yasu smiles, his face feeling warm, but in a happy way. “How long are you here for?” 

“Well, I probably shouldn’t stay away too long...” Subaru says vaguely. 

“You’re welcome to stay here, for as long as you like,” Yasu says in a rush. He doesn’t want to mean anything by it, doesn’t want to sound like he’s suggesting anything, but he can’t deny the thought, the memory, is there in his mind.

“Thanks, I was hoping you’d say that,” Subaru says cheekily. “Saves me money on a hotel.”

Yasu laughs. “You can buy me dinner or something,” he says. “I need to take you to my favourite places. There’s lots of cool places and venues.”

“I remember,” says Subaru with a faint smile. 

Yasu smiles too. “I promised I’d let you visit, so I should be a good host,” he murmurs. “Shall we go for a drink? Maybe there’ll be a band on at my regular place...” Yasu thinks it’s probably a good idea to go out where there’s sound and liveliiness and people. His house is his place, he’s afraid he’d get too wrapped up, forget himself, do something he’d regret. He just needs a little more time to think. But Subaru is here, willingly, and Yasu can’t help but grab onto that, anchor it in his mind with hope.

He takes Subaru to the bar he frequents. Subaru remembers it from years before. Yasu’s world tilts a little on its axis as he thinks of that time again, overlaid now with fresher, less bittersweet memories. But for a second he glimpses the world as it was the last time they were here together, and it startles him a little with its vividness. His feelings are just as clear now as they were to him then - he might’ve tried to pave over them, but it took nothing at all to break that away. 

He’s thankful that there is a band playing, something they can focus on and talk about. They’re good and lively and enjoyable, so when Yasu and Subaru leave, their mood is upbeat and positive. 

“Music’s still important to you, isn’t it,” Yasu says softly. He could see it in the way Subaru watched, the way his eyes had a real glow again. He can see that spark, that fire again, caught up in the music.

“Always has been,” admits Subaru. “I’ve never known anything else. I never cared about anything else, and even if it was an accident that I started caring in the first place, I couldn’t stop.”

Yasu smiles. “That’s because it found a home with you,” he says.

Subaru stops walking and turns to look at him. His expression is serious. “But I set too much store by it,” he says. Yasu’s taken completely by surprise. “I thought music was more important than everything else. Like you guys,” he says, in a rush like he needs to get the words out before they stick in his throat. “I wanted to do it properly, the way I thought it should be done,” he goes on, not meeting Yasu’s eye. “I thought music was on my side, that I just had to put my faith in it and it would take care of me. But it didn’t,” he admits, and now he looks up.

Yasu tries to swallow the lump in his throat. He never expected anything like this. His heart feels like it’s going to burst. “It hurt me,” he says, his voice dry. “You hurt me,” he says. He doesn’t want to sound accusing, but it’s a fact. “I felt like I wasn’t good enough. Like our songs weren’t good enough,” he presses on quickly. “I loved our songs!” he says, impassioned. “I didn’t understand why you couldn’t’ve been happy with what we had,” he finishes, his voice softer again.

“I’m sorry,” says Subaru, open and sincere, still looking into Yasu’s face, and Yasu’s heart skips a beat. “I was selfish. After the band broke up, I hated myself for what I’d done to you. To you all. I wished I could’ve gone back, wished I could’ve known how it’d turn out.”

Yasu feels raw and vulnerable, everything stirred up in him and needing to be let out, finally, after 6 years of waiting. “I didn’t know how you could do it,” he says, almost a whisper. “I thought what we had was something valuable.” He’s edging closer and closer, he doesn’t know how much more he can say without saying too much. He hopes Subaru understands him.

“We did!” Subaru says, his tone urgent. “You know, you knew... you must’ve known you were special to me,” he murmurs, looking down again.

Yasu’s stomach flips and flutters, his heart thudding in his chest. “I tried so hard,” he whispers. “I wanted the group to stay together. I put Kanjani8 over my happiness, over us - so when you left, it felt like... It felt like none of it mattered to you at all! Not the group, not our music, and not me.” He can hardly speak, his throat is so tight.

Subaru looks up at him, his eyes sad. “I thought it was going nowhere,” he says, and Yasu can’t even be angry, he hears the bitter remorse in Subaru’s voice. “After we wrote Desire, I felt you pull away from me, and I thought that was your decision, that was the end, that was my answer. And after that, it didn’t seem to matter as much anymore.”

“I thought as long as we could write songs together, I’d get through,” Yasu whispers, feeling tears trickle over at last. “I pulled away so we could still have that, at least. I thought I could wait, as long as I was with you.” He never meant to say all this, but he has to make Subaru understand now! “I thought it I... if _we_ followed our feelings, it’d be too dangerous, it could destroy everything we’d worked for. So I had to shut off how I felt.”

“And then I ruined everything anyway,” Subaru murmurs, a look of desperation crossing his face that Yasu just wants to reassure away, tell him it’s all in the past, that they can start again now, free and clean and properly. “I thought you’d be OK though,” says Subaru, and there’s a pleading tone to his voice, like he wants it to be true. “You said you were OK. You told me you were happy.”

“Not as happy as I would’ve been with you,” whispers Yasu, and takes the few steps towards Subaru and kisses him.

Subaru doesn’t even hesitate, he puts his hands on Yasu’s shoulders and kisses back, impulsive and warm. Yasu feels his heart swell and soar, after so many years it feels like finally something’s slotted into place. Subaru kisses him tenderly, and Yasu can’t remember anything ever feeling this right before. Even if his head tells him to be careful, his heart knows this is what he’s wanted ever since he was old enough to understand feelings like this. He can let himself enjoy it, even if what might come after is difficult. 

They break apart, and Subaru’s eyes are closed. He rests his forehead against Yasu’s, and Yasu tries to calm his racing heart. He feels like he did all those years ago, when Subaru would touch him, or hug him, or flirt with him, or share things with him that he wouldn’t with anyone else. 

“I’m sorry,” murmurs Subaru, and for one sickening minute Yasu thinks he’s going to rob him of this moment, not let him just savour this feeling of sheer happiness, as if those 6 years have been cut out of his life, replaced with the thing he wanted most of all. But then he goes on, “I was such an idiot.” It sounds heartfelt, and Yasu feels relief crash over him in a wave. “I should’ve just taken you with me,” he murmurs. “Then maybe I’d still be in a band, still making music. Not just selling it.”

Yasu smiles. He pulls away slowly and meets Subaru’s eyes. “Never too late,” he says softly. He takes Subaru’s hand and they walk back to Yasu’s house in the quietness under the dark sky.

***

The next day, Yasu has to go to work. It’s premature, but he’s already imagining handing in his notice, moving back to Tokyo - he knows he could find a job there, doing what he does now; he imagines being close to all his old friends again, and his heart feels full to overflowing again. He loves Okinawa and he’s loved living here, but he’s ready to go back now. These few years have been his time to mend, recover, get better, and they worked - he was able to let go of the negative feelings that had been lingering, and he really was happy. But now... He’s thankful for everything this place has done for him, but maybe now... it feels like a new start, and a new start means something needs to end. 

Whenever he has an idle moment during the day he finds his mind drifting back to last night, he can’t help it. The touch of Subaru’s lips on his, the way he smiled, like Yasu remembers from the times back then when it was just them, when they were best friends, when they spent so much time together - the time when they would joke, _’Isn’t it like we’re dating?’_ After the group broke up, Yasu remembers feeling such a fool for getting drawn into those teasing flirtations, for letting himself be so pleased by them. He was angry at Subaru for leading him on, angry at himself for falling for it, angry that it became so important. Yasu has always been a positive person, but he spent a long time under the shadow of what happened. He felt humiliated, personally and professionally, like he’d been involved in something he thought was real, but just turned out to be a game. 

Reflecting on it in the bitter light of what happened, though, Yasu thought he should’ve known. Other memories started to let themselves in, emerge from the shadows. The times when Subaru would push a joke too far, take advantage; sometimes he would be cold, even cruel, and Yasu would be lost, stung, feeling stupid and rejected. Those times hurt the most, but Subaru always came back, and made Yasu fall again. He’d just accepted it as Subaru’s way. It wasn’t like he had any right to expect the sweetness, so why should he have any more right to be upset by the coldness? After the band broke up, Yasu felt like the biggest idiot in the world, like the doormat girlfriend who waits around for the crumbs of affection thrown his way because they make it feel worth the stretches of being ignored and taken for granted. Those feelings had smarted for a long time.

But last night, if he’d had any of those lingering feelings left, they evaporated when Subaru smiled at him, shy and sincere, and kissed him again at the bottom of the stairs in Yasu’s house. Yasu lay awake in his bed for a long time, thinking about Subaru on the other side of the thin partition wall. He feels impatient, like he wants to fast-forward through all the shyness and getting to know each other again and be just like they used to be. Maybe things will be different. Maybe Subaru has changed. Yasu knows _he_ must’ve changed. But he’d like to think it’s for the better. 

When Yasu set off for work this morning, Subaru wasn’t awake yet. Or if he was, he didn’t want to face Yasu across a breakfast table. Yasu can understand that. But to his surprise, when he leaves in the evening, Subaru is outside waiting for him.

“I asked your neighbour where you worked,” he says a little sheepishly. “They’re all very friendly down here, aren’t they?”

Yasu smiles. “Yeah, it’s a good community,” he says as they set off back to his house. It’s not that far, so Yasu tends to walk to work.

Subaru is quiet, and Yasu feels like being quiet too. The things he wants to talk about, he doesn’t want to say in the open, in daylight. 

Back at the house, Yasu goes straight to the kitchen and fetches them a beer each. His mind is racing, he’s thinking too much, but none of his thoughts want to come out of his mouth. He knows he has to start this conversation, though. It’s his home, his domain, and he was the one to make the first advance; he needs to finish what he started.

He sits down on the sofa close to Subaru, and takes his hand. Subaru looks into his face, his expression unreadable.

“Are you OK with this?” Yasu says quietly. “Because I’d really like to give it a go.” 

Subaru hesitates. Yasu can hear his own heartbeat, his pulse in his ears. “I want to,” Subaru murmurs. “I want to, more than anything.”

“But?” Yasu prompts. He’s aware of himself leaning closer to Subaru - he wants to kiss him, wants to forget the words and just let his feelings speak.

“But... it’s all so long ago,” Subaru goes on, though he sounds like he wishes he wasn’t saying these words. “Maybe we’re being stupid, thinking it can work after so long. Maybe it’d just be a disappointment.”

“You mean, how could it live up to what we might’ve imagined?” Yasu asks, smiling wryly. 

“Yeah,” mumbles Subaru, looking away. “Maybe we only wanted it because we couldn’t have it. Maybe it wouldn’t be the same now as what we could’ve had then. Maybe we’ve changed too much.”

Yasu can’t deny he thought the same thoughts, over and over, lying awake in bed last night. “There’s only one way to find out,” he says softly. “We’re older now, we might’ve changed but we should be more mature - if we can’t make it work now, maybe we never could’ve.” 

Subaru is quiet for a minute, but he glances up at Yasu and smiles. “You always were so positive,” he says. “I’m glad that hasn’t changed.”

Yasu smiles back. “I want this to be a fresh start,” he says. “Back then, it was always up and down, hot and cold - maybe that’s part of why I held back from you, because I never knew when you were going to suddenly change your mind. I didn’t want to cause a lot of trouble if you were just going to toss me away for a while again anyway.” Subaru opens his mouth to speak, but Yasu holds up his free hand with a smile. He doesn’t want to dwell on that. “But now, we can be stable,” he goes on. “It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Can’t we just... start again?”

Subaru nods willingly. “Start again,” he echoes. “We need to get to know each other again,” he murmurs, shifting a little closer. 

Yasu wets his lips. He can’t help looking at Subaru’s mouth - all he can think about is kissing it, and before he knows what he’s doing, he’s leaning in and pressing his own mouth to Subaru’s, gentle and exploratory. 

Subaru sighs as they break apart. “I hurt you,” he whispers, so quietly Yasu almost doesn’t understand. “Are you sure you’re not still hurting?”

Yasu shakes his head, his hair ruffling Subaru’s. “I understand why you did it,” he murmurs. “I wanted to let it all go, whatever happened. But this... I didn’t know I still wanted it. But I do, more than anything,” he confesses. “I just want to... see what happens,” he says, feeling like a teenager, in love for the first time. All those years ago, he guesses, that’s what he was.

Subaru smiles. “Let’s see,” he says, and kisses Yasu again.

***

Yasu cooks, and they eat dinner together, have a couple of beers, listen to music, talk, have a bath. Then they go to bed, and tonight Yasu doesn’t have to just imagine Subaru, a few metres away but out of sight. 

It takes him a long time to fall asleep after, and he knows Subaru is awake too, but they don’t speak; Yasu just enjoys the feeling of Subaru’s warmth beside him, focuses on his presence there in his bed, wanting to keep this time in his heart, never changing.

In the morning, warm and happy and content, Yasu doesn’t want to get out of bed, doesn’t want to leave this safe little bubble in case he can never recreate it again. 

It has to end, though, because Yasu has to go to work, and Subaru has to go back to Tokyo. Yasu tries not to say anything stupid, tries not to feel insecure - _Subaru came here, got what he wanted off Yasu without even having to try, and now he’s leaving..._ Yasu tries not to think those thoughts. Subaru came all the way out here just to see him, just to make things OK. That means a lot. 

Subaru sends him a mail as soon as he gets home, as if he knows the things Yasu can’t say and wants to reassure him. Yasu hates the thought of being so far away. When they were together it felt right, like something had finally been resolved and clicked into place; but without momentum, will it just peter out, wither like a spring bud hidden from the sun? 

He has to push those thoughts away - he’s a grown-up now, but he feels like emotions he put on hold when he was younger have suddenly been unpaused, restarted from where he left them. It’s a tangle, he can’t even remember what it meant to feel like this, but he can’t ignore the giddy, elated feeling that touches everything else. He got his man, the one who’s never quite let go of his heart, even after years - he’s _his_ , and even if he’s far away, Yasu knows that if he can feel like this, then Subaru can too. 

His heart has already decided to leave Okinawa. It feels like he’s just been on holiday here for three years. Travelling.

It’s only the day after Subaru leaves when Yasu gets an email from Hina. He’s met up with Maru, and he thinks it went pretty well, though it might take a bit more persuasion to get him to agree to a meet-up with the rest of the members. (Yasu has a wry smile at that - he assumes Hina means Maru dismissed it out of hand, but Hina would refuse to see that as the end. And knowing Hina, he can change Maru’s mind.) Oh and by the way, is Yasu free this weekend because they were thinking of coming down to the islands.

Yasu laughs. _Fine, but I only have one spare bedroom!_ he sends back. 

The benefit of the sudden announcement is, Yasu doesn’t have time to worry and get himself into a state about what he’s going to say to Maru after so long. In any case, Hina will be there. Hina will make sure things go smoothly.

Yasu barely has time to imagine how it’ll go. All he can think is how happy he is that Maru is coming, that he’s agreed to see him and they’re going to talk again, after so long. When he meets them at the airport he doesn’t even think about it, just wraps his arms round Maru in a tight hug, he’s just so full of emotion. 

Maru’s grown his hair so it’s long enough to wear in a ponytail, with loose strands falling round his face. He’s tan and looks like he’s lost some weight, or maybe been working out. When Yasu hugs him, Maru’s arms come up and surround him so naturally that Yasu forgets all the uncertainty, it just feels like they’re friends who haven’t seen each other for a very long time. Which they are.

They go back to Yasu’s place, and he takes them out to the same place he went with Subaru. They sit outside sipping beer as it gets dark. Yasu can’t hide how happy he is that Maru is even there at all, and Hina is how he always is, and Maru... Yasu is surprised, but Maru is upbeat and relaxed, he laughs and jokes almost like he used to when they were younger. Maybe he’s a bit more mature, a bit more worldly-wise, but he still pulls silly faces and puts on silly voices when he’s telling them all about his travels and misadventures. It’s wonderful to just spend time catching up, listening to Maru’s stories. Yasu thinks his lifestyle seems to suit him. Freelance, not tied to anything, not even using his real name - as ever he’s an enigma, a different person behind a mask. They always used to joke about Maru being a mystery, so Yasu supposes not much has changed.

Yasu waits. He doesn’t know how to bring up the group, the reunion, and especially Subaru. Maru doesn’t _seem_ bitter and angry, but maybe he still holds it against Subaru like Ryo did, even though he’s done OK. Yasu doesn’t want to cause awkwardness for someone who’s his guest, especially given the way things are now... He doesn’t want Maru to think he’s a traitor! Him being with Subaru shouldn’t jeopardise the whole idea of getting everyone together, should it?

Eventually Hina gets up and announces he’s going to the toilet. He looks at Yasu as he leaves, so he knows that this is their chance to finally discuss what they haven’t talked about. 

He tries to think quickly, wonders what the best way to start is, but Maru, to his surprise, beats him to it.

“I heard about you and Subaru,” he says quietly.

Yasu’s eyes widen and he can feel himself flushing. “How?” he blurts out. He hasn’t told anyone, even Hina...

“Shin-chan told me,” Maru says. Yasu feels slightly alarmed, as if his life has been under the kind of scrutiny he thought he’d escaped when he got out of show business. “He said Subaru had been in touch with him when he got back to Tokyo after he’d been out to see you.”

Yasu’s head spins a little. He can’t help but feel a little thrilled that Subaru didn’t wait to tell Hina - after all, it was Hina who told him to come in the first place, so it makes Yasu happy that Subaru wanted to report back right away. And if Maru knew, and still wanted to come see him, that’s a good thing, right?

“Is... that OK?” he asks stupidly.

Maru smiles a little. “I’m happy for you,” he says. “It’s what you always wanted, right?”

Yasu shifts uncomfortably. “Is there anyone who didn’t know?” he mumbles.

Maru laughs. “It’s OK. It was understandable. Subaru’s a charismatic guy. I think a lot of people were a bit in love with him at one time or another.”

It’s only later, when he talks to Hina, that Yasu thinks a bit more carefully about those words. But for now he just wants to press on. “He’s sorry about everything that happened,” Yasu says earnestly. “I think he wants to make a fresh start. It’s been too long. Wouldn’t it be good to be friends again?”

Maru shakes his head helplessly. “I don’t know if I can, yet.” He holds up his hands “I know it’s a long time ago. I _want_ to forgive and forget. But...” He looks down at the table between them. “When the group broke up, I wasn’t like all the rest of you. I didn’t have the talents you all had. I had nothing to fall back on,” he says simply. “You had art, and music, and the others had acting and talking and whatever. But there was nothing else I wanted to do. Nothing else I _could_ do. I couldn’t do this stuff by myself!”

Yasu wants to protest, tell Maru that that was never how he saw him at all. Maru always shone when the members weren’t around, much more so than himself! But it’s 6 years ago. He wishes he could’ve said it then. “But everything you’ve achieved, you’ve done it yourself!”

“Because I had to,” Maru says with a wry smile. “At that time, I know it sounds dramatic but I didn’t want to rely on anyone anymore. I wanted something only I could do, and if I screwed it up it was only my own fault.”

Yasu nods. “I guess I did the same sort of thing,” he says. “But it worked out alright for you, didn’t it? I’ve seen some of your work, it’s brilliant! I think maybe you’ve done the best out of all of us,” he says, taking advantage of Hina’s absence. “You know it didn’t work out for Shibuyan, right? He’s not in the band anymore.”

Maru nods. “I know. But if it’d been a success, do you think he’d still be sorry? Do you think he’d’ve had any regrets? If you hadn’t gone looking for him, do you think you’d ever have spoken to him again?”

Yasu hesitates, a cold feeling starting to uncoil inside him. “I don’t know,” he says slowly. “But this is the way things are, and does holding a grudge make your life any happier? Won’t you at least talk to him?” He tries to sound calm, and brave, when inside his fears are starting to rise like a turbulent sea. 

Maru glances up at Yasu’s face. “I know you’re trying to do the right thing on his behalf,” he says, and the way he says it makes Yasu feel cold. “But why are you bothering? You got what you really wanted. Why do you need the rest of us?”

Yasu feels humiliated, cheeks hot and he even feels the threat of tears gathering. “You think that’s why I did this?” he whispers. “I wanted to see _everyone_ back together, I wanted everyone to put it to rest and feel happier, like I did! I didn’t have an ulterior motive!” It cuts him to think that anyone could accuse him of that.

Maru must see how upset he is, because he looks honestly repentant. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I shouldn’t’ve said that.”

“Is it what you really think?” Yasu demands.

Maru sighs. “No,” he says. “I’m sorry. I told you I wasn’t ready.”

Yasu takes a couple of deep breaths. “What about the others, though?” he asks, more softly. “Wouldn’t you even come to see them? You just dropped off the radar. Everyone wants to know how you’re doing.”

Maru wavers. “I...”

“C’mon,” says Hina’s voice, and they both look up. “It’s a long time ago! At least give it a try. Refusing doesn’t make anyone _else_ look like a jerk, y’know.”

Maru actually laughs a little. 

“You know the other guys probably feel the same,” Hina goes on, pressing his advantage. “You can at least talk to them. They’re the ones who’ll understand how you feel. And if they can handle it, so can you.”

Maru smiles ruefully. “I get it, I get it,” he says. “I guess... if I say no, then the rest of you can’t move on. I’d be taking away that choice, and I know how that feels.” He looks between them and sighs. “I guess I’m in, then.”

Yasu laughs in relief, and Hina grins. “Now all we need to do is find a time when everyone is free,” Hina says. “So sometime in 2016 then!”

“Now Maru’s on board I bet everyone will want to make it soon,” Yasu says with a smile, and Maru smiles back shyly. 

When they’re back at Yasu’s house, and Hina has fallen asleep on the sofa, Maru apologises. “I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you earlier,” he says softly. “That wasn’t fair. I’ve never been mad at you in all this. You’re just doing what you think is right, like always.”

Yasu shakes his head. “Don’t worry, of course you’re entitled to be upset,” he says. “I felt bad that I never saw you, never even tried to find you. I should’ve talked to you way before this. Then maybe we wouldn’t’ve had to feel so bad for so long.”

Maru smiles faintly. “I ran away. I didn’t want anything to do with anyone for a while. But that was lonely, and I wished you guys were around. Sometimes I thought about calling you or Shin-chan or Yoko, but... I didn’t want to be faced with you guys with your successful jobs and families or whatever, when I’d basically... dropped out.”

Yasu laughs. “It took me years to get around to coming here,” he says. “It didn’t all work out first time. I guess we all had our own journeys to complete.”

“It didn’t feel right, though,” Maru says, and his honesty almost startles Yasu. “Even when I was angry, it felt like something was missing.”

Yasu can’t say anything, his throat is suddenly tight. He just nods. That feeling had always been there, even if he didn’t dare think it out loud. 

“I wonder what it was like for the others,” Maru says thoughtfully. “Ryo and Yoko and Shin-chan, they all had their careers. Ohkura had his family to fall back on. I guess it was just us three who needed a few more tries, huh?”

Yasu smiles. “Well, you’ll find out when we see everyone again,” he says, and Maru nods, smiling as well now. 

“Thanks,” Maru says softly. “It was really good of you to start all this off,” he says sincerely. “You’re right, it felt like there was unfinished business. Weren’t we meant to be the best, the strongest?” he says, with an ironic sort of smile. “I wonder what it’ll be like when we’re all face to face again.”

Yasu pats Maru’s shoulder. There’s a little trepidation in Maru’s voice. “It’ll be worth it, whatever happens,” he says truthfully. “And then if you never want to see us again, you don’t have to,” he jokes. “But it’ll be alright. I promise.”

The next day, Maru says he wants to take some photographs. Yasu guesses he’s used to doing his own thing, he wants some time to process everything by himself. Hina and Yasu take a stroll around town, go for lunch at a cafe. 

“Are you guys OK?” Hina asks. Yasu’s amazed he’s waited this long.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” he says, smiling. “I’m really glad he came around. But I think you had more to do with it than me,” he adds, meeting Hina’s eye.

Hina chuckles. “I guess old habits die hard,” he says. “Must still have the instinct to do what I say, or else.”

Yasu giggles, but there are still some serious thoughts he needs to get out. “It must’ve been so difficult for him, carrying around all that resentment for so long.”

“Didn’t we all, though?” Hina says. 

Yasu’s surprised again - he’s discovered so much since he started on this mission. At first he thinks Hina’s just referring to him - after all, it was quite sudden, his decision to find everyone after so long, and Yasu remembers that it really isn’t so long since he still had those bitter feelings himself. So much has changed, though, that they feel like a dream, a brief cloud that was never the storm he knows it really was. But, he realises, maybe Hina isn’t trying to be pointed. That’s not Hina’s style. “But I thought you were OK,” he says. “You’ve always seemed OK. And certainly successful!”

Hina twitches his head to the side. “Yeah, I’m grateful, I seemed to fall on my feet,” he says with a wry smile. “But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t mad, or hurt! Subaru was one of my oldest friends, and he never even told me he was thinking about it.” 

Yasu is quiet. He never thought Hina was so affected. 

“But y’know, when some people get angry they have to go away and get their head together. When I get angry I can’t do that, I have to get it out,” he says, laughing. “So I went and yelled at him. And then we were fine. Well, after a little while.”

Yasu smiles. “Maybe I should’ve done just that,” he murmurs. Six years of waiting, stewing, weighed down...

Hina shakes his head. “You did what you had to do, just like Maru,” he says. Yasu is quite touched at his understanding. It’s not a quality he’s ever particularly expected from Hina. They must all have changed over these few years; just some quicker than others. “I’m sorry I told him about you and Subaru.” he goes on after a minute. “Maybe I shouldn’t’ve done that.”

“That’s OK,” says Yasu automatically, because it is OK, everything’s going to be OK. He doesn’t want to complicate it. If he needs to, he can think about everything more carefully alone, when he has the time. But for now he wants to look upwards, be positive, be thankful for the progress they’ve made. He just wants this to flourish, more than anything. 

Yasu takes them back to the airport. Maru hugs him goodbye, and says in his ear, “I really am happy for you. I mean it.”

Yasu smiles, touched. “Thanks,” he says sincerely. “I’ll see you soon!” The task is far from over yet!

He’s so tempted, almost irresistibly, to get on the plane with them, go to Tokyo, turn up at Subaru’s like Subaru did at his. He doesn’t know Subaru’s address, or he’d do it in a second. 

When he gets home he calls him, just to hear his voice. Yasu tells him about Maru and Hina, how well it went, how they’re one step closer to getting everyone together! And Subaru sounds pleased, nervous, happy, shy - and Yasu doesn’t mean to, but he thinks he falls a little bit more in love.

“I’ve been thinking,” he says, “About moving back to Tokyo now. Would that be OK with you?” He feels dumb even as he asks.

Subaru laughs at him. “I guess I can put up with you being in the same city as me,” he teases.

“I could find a diving instructing job,” Yasu goes on earnestly. “But I might need a place to stay while I look...” he ventures.

Subaru pauses for just a second, and Yasu waits for more teasing, or worse, but Subaru says, “Well, I can always use some help with the rent. As long as you don’t mind sharing a bed.”

Yasu giggles. “Aww, do I have to?”

Subaru sputters for a minute, but Yasu can’t deny he’s delighted when he insists on it. “And y’know, if you don’t find a job right away, I could always... offer you some hours in the shop. In return for your board.”

It’s such a little thing, but Yasu feels as happy as if Subaru had asked him to marry him. “And in the evenings, we could play together,” he says, his heart quickening. “Maybe we could try writing a song together again.” Yasu feels like he could write a thousand songs, 500 for the past 6 years and 500 for the past 6 weeks.

“I’d like that,” Subaru says, and Yasu’s heart squeezes in his chest, he never wants to let go of this again. “I have some lyrics... Maybe I’ll show you.” This time he sounds shy, not teasing, and Yasu wishes he had got the plane earlier after all.

“I can’t wait,” he says, and hopes he doesn’t have to.

***

They’ve hired a room in a high-class place in Osaka. Osaka felt right. It feels like a formal meeting, as if the boss is going to walk in and tell them what they’re doing. But this time there’s no boss, it’s up to them. Yasu feels as nervous as he did the very first time he went to a meeting like that, the time they were told they were going to be a group. He hopes with all his heart that the result will be the same. He remembers the excitement, the hope. It wasn’t all easy, and at times he knows he wondered if it was worth it; but in the end, it was all he ever wanted. It still is, so many years later. He just hopes the others feel the same. 

He and Subaru have waited till they know everyone is here. Yasu finds Subaru’s hand and squeezes it, watches Subaru’s face as they walk to the door and open it. 

Yasu goes in first, and they stand at the front of the room like transfer students on their first day in a brand new school. Yasu, heart in mouth, looks around, trying to gauge everyone’s reactions.

The room is silent, and Yasu wets his dry lips, preparing the introduction he’s turned over and over in his head, as the organiser of this whole event, wanting everyone to be at ease and know how overjoyed he is at them even putting in the effort to come...

He doesn’t expect to see Subaru, out of the corner of his eye, take a small step forward. He bows, low and humble, and when he stands up he keeps his head bent and his hands by his sides. “I’m sorry,” he says, clear and simple, and Yasu holds his breath.


End file.
